my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
