and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
