I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
