I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
