I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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