failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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