So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
