As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
