I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
