Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize