you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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