She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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