im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
