They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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