Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
