I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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