Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
