even my farts smell like vagina
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
