fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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