I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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