you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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