You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
