My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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