Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
