i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
They took my balls.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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