I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
