In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
