Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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