dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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