Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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