Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
