he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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