Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
did i walk over a car last night?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
