I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize