Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
