let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
