im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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