I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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