one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
