Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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