I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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