I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
