Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
even my farts smell like vagina
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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