I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
