if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
