Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize