i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
