mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
