Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
