good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
