I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize