So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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