i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
