I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize