if you like me you must not know who I am
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
