I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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