can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
