I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
