My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
