I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
