My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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