Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
